I gave up sex with dolphins for you.
so i decided not to tell her that her fiance is cheating since i already bought the bridesmaid dess
Can we progress our friendship to a point where i'm at least granted a blowjob allowance?
I'll go out only because I know the starving children in third-world countries would frown upon us if we let an hour of free sangria go to waste...
he started drinking at 9am with grey goose and pancakes. He IS my hero.
We both paused during sex to do the clap during the Friends theme song. Soulmates.
Even though he was watching you pee on his bedroom floor, you kept denying it and saying he was dreaming
Well, I found the missing blow... in my fucking suitcase... THIS MORNING. Yeah, I flew from FL to NY with blow in my suitcase yesterday.
I told you to check, dude
Yeah, AFTER I checked my bag and I was already sitting on a plane. Oh well. I figured worst case I'd do like 15 hours in county and I was totally prepared for that anyways. I always prepare for that when we hang out.
He just showed up with a bottle of wild turkey a half a can of coke and some marshmallows yelling "gobble gobble bitches" my roommates hate my cousin
Dude it's huge. I don't usually like looking at those things, but you're kind of forced to stare that horse in the face.
i need some food
Holy shit I forgot about you stabbing him.
She is so graceful and lady-like, like a swan... On meth
He compared my blow job skills to finding gold treasure in a gold chest, so there's that.
MY GOD DAMN TV STOPS WORKING EVERY TIME I AM THIS FUCKING HIGH. WHY MUST IT TORMENT ME?!
Homeboy just asked me to strip for him. He should not be this horny and allowed to be in Vegas with his kid.
Randomize