So shortly after drunk sex...she starts crying and saying..." you don't care about me, you never do anything nice for me" so I called her a cab
I'm like connect-the-dots of drunk. Whiskey, bourbon, vodka, rum, gin. The hidden picture is me faceplanting.
Just saw a british exchange student take a flyer for free dental care. Yes.
Houston, we have a problem
where are u?
Houston. That's the problem. I don't know how I got here.
I took both his daughters virginities. There's no way he won't give me a job
I bought this skirt with every intention to have it wrapped around my tits by the end of the night. So, I'm not a whore. I'm a self-fulfilling prophecy.
I'm lying on the floor in the back room praying my boss doesn't come to work today.never again
I just want to point out that nothing makes my hickie/hangover more obvious than sleeping in a scarf and sunglasses. nothing.
Wanna hang out? my DILF had to dip out for his sons little league game
I'm getting better, this year I only showed up drunk to 1 final.
Literally too hungover to clean. I'll get the frosting off the table tomorrow, ok?
I woke up with $140 in twenties in my bra and have never been more puzzled.
For a man with no legs he was surprisingly good at doggy style.
I don't know whether to high-five you or stage an intervention.
DO NOT TRY TO APPROACH HER CAT. IT IS A DEMON CAT FROM SATAN'S BALLS AND IT *WILL* TRY TO KILL YOU. I SPEAK FROM EXPIRENCE.
If we both don't have awesome filthy sexual experiences to share in the morning...we are no longer best friends.
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