Where the fuck is Rob at, he hasnt answered his phone in like 2 weeks.
Dude Rob died 2 weeks ago wtf?
Holy shit r u serious? How?
Just kidding, but im pretty sure he boned your gf and doesnt want to talk to you.
shit pants at work. discarded underwear.
just showed this text to the guy at west elm. luckily we did not stool ourselves in the midst of the ensuing hilarity. so you're commando now?
yep! most awkward part is that i was a few feet away from a client, talking and looking him in the eye. i've never stooled while looking someone directly in the eye.
Where are I am going home with Ryan
I don't know who this or Ryan is but it is probably too late to talk you out of it
he just told me his nickname was "nickexplodeon"
does that mean he doesn't last long?
Living room yoga. I'm too hungover to deal with anyone else's chi today.
No idea how he made them, but vodka water balloons were a horrible idea.
My mom just came into the kitchen and watched me take a double shot of whiskey and chase it with a beer and said "you are my son." Proudest family moment ever
You may see me wearing your shirt to class. It's because I still have the spins and I'm anticipating throwing up on it. Asshole.
You were so drunk, you called my cruise control, the "auto pilot" and asked my car politely to take us to Taco Bell.
I was living a snoop dogg song I fucked her on the floor so I wouldn't mess up my bed
My penis needs a shock collar
Did you put candle wax on my balls last night?
This text constitutes a formal request for sexual congress under the terms of our Relationship Agreement.
I found my bra I wore on Friday night...he fucked the underwire out of it
hahahahaha
I have just discovered the land of milk and honey. and by milk i mean vodka and by honey i mean tequila.
Randomize
