"I could never have "feelings" for someone who, at one point, wanted to "hate fuck" my face."
I drunk wandered into my parents bed and slept between them
And PS thanks for calling it my "sexual liberation" and not "slut fest 2010: part deux!"
I'm going to have to start sleeping with my keys taped to my stomach.
I saved him as teletubby in my phone....that can't be a good sign. I'm not answering.
I made friends with the delivery guy because he had beautiful dread locks and was a Zelda fan. He texted me after he left saying he wasn't trying to be creepy but we should be friends. We're hanging out tomorrow.
How does this kind of shit happen to you?!
We had to take the hinges off the bathroom door. Needless to say, you are no longer welcome at that bar
the cops are being surprisingly chill about david hanging from a tree with no pants.
His mom walking in on us having sex was probably the highlight of the night
You know you had a good time when you get the wheelchair treatment in Mexico back to your cruise.
Wanna get mid day margaritas tomorrow if I'm still alive
Told my fifteen year old cousin's friend what to sext his girlfriend last night. He was scarred for life but she fucking loved it.
I literally wonder, frequently, "Will anyone ever fuck me until i go cross eyed for 2 hours again?''
I wish drug dealers had sales for the holidays
So, is Canada considered an excessive distance to go for a booty call? Asking for a friend...
Randomize
