i just passed a truck with a bumper sticker saying "i'd rather be cummin than strokin." god bless the midwest.
Too tired to do the dishes so I made mac and cheese in a teapot. There's still some left if you want some...
Yes..we had amazing sex that I have a 50 percent chance of remembering.
Well, McDonalds 'escorted' me out after I passed out mid-order
Have introduced beer-pong to my work's Tuesday lunches.
Unintentionally made him cum in his own mouth, and he just sat there screaming..
Tonight that bitch will not be with him. You will drunkingly talk him out of this wedding. It is your duty as the one with the least amount of soul. Good luck.
lol i'm looking through my photos and there's this giant section of just dudes wearing murses
I am so hung over a medically induced coma is beginning to sound appealing.
Dude, my ex girlfriend showed up, bought me a tequila shot, made out with me and then disappeared into the night. Then her current girlfriend saw, so she came over and slapped me and then I made out with her too
This was before halftime
I RUINED A LESBIAN RELATIONSHIP BEFORE HALFTIME
But don't thank me for faking being asleep, if I was the real wing man, I would have left the bed
My roommate taped his phone to the ceiling fan to simulate walking so he could hatch Pokémon. Lazy people will always find a way.
No, I'm not a heathen. You two are the heathens, I'm the whore.
I have a bag of frozen peas on my vagina. If you want to talk about real problems.
This is going to be so stupid, but do you feel the calluses on my hands when I give you a handy?
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