I was just about to go down on her when she gave herself a "smell check" and said "no, not today".
New discovery: conditioner is better for jerking off than baby oil. Fuck yes.
you can add "aspirated seaman" to the list of things your sister has been admitted to the hospital for
Left for charity run at 5AM. Saw a pigeon eating last night's vomit and a pair of shame-walkers in high heels. Nature at it's finest.
My mom called me and we started arguing as usual. I finally screamed at her "I HEAR YOU AND THAT 30 YEAR OLD FUCKING!" and hung up. She hasn't called back yet. I win.
College has taught me that the "best idea" is rarely the fun one.
This is true but you can't really get fired from college
Please acknowledge the sock on the door. If not it will be rammed up your ass.
The penis is a tricky weapon to use. When using it as leverage you have to make it seem emotional. I'd rather use it as a club sometimes.
Faces of meth called, they want their look back.
I just don't know the best way to tell him I think I saw him in a porn. I mean I got off to it, isn't there some level of awkwardness there?
If there was a build-a-penis, I would build that penis.
Shaving your bikini line at 11 at night in the Walmart bathroom feels trashy no matter why you're doing it.
I could not handle jail. And my very angry parents.
If my emotions are below a 3 or above a 7, I'm crying
So much for no-infidelity-fridays....
Randomize
