worst hand job ever. my dick is about as raw as that sushi your mom wanted me to try.
I basing my decision on whether or not to date someone on whether I could imagine having sex with them sober
At chipotle, there's a bachelorette party starting out the night here, i'm going to let you imagine what the bride to be looks like
It's one of the many facets of my drunken alter egos. I'm like substance abuse batman.
Just threw up in the waiting room. I can't believe I have to switch dermatologists again.
Hey Im running from the cops. hiding in a bush. when you're approaching the intersection honk the horn twice and I will come out.
My judgement was not "clouded". My judgement was in the midst of a fucking hurricane or something ridiculous.
I fucking give up. OKC is where small penises go to disappoint me.
I just figured out how I'm going to tie you to my bed. Hint: I may have to go to the auto parts store before you get here.
Btw had an awesome time last night. Found some blood on my shirt and ear but I'll chalk it up to the tequila shots.
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
Do you lock your house? Serious question, I need to know if I can add it to my list of emergency poop stops
I would like to reiterate that I went to give lessons and ended up having a three way instead
I fought off a bull with my bare hands while he went off to have sex with her against a wall. I’m more upset about the fact that no one is acknowledging what I did.
he said he only had one rule...that he'd only go down on me 3x a day. so far this is turning into the best relationship ever.
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