I seriously can't date anymore I forgot how to hide my crazy
You know, Peter Parker would not have been nearly as cool if he had gotten bitten by an ant.
I woke up with semen in my invisalign. My molars were just marinating in it
you said the mailboxes were turning into babies and they started crawling away. then you cried and asked me how you were gonna get your college acceptance letters
FYI : beer farts in the morning chase women right out of bed!
So i guess i slapped the girl sitting next to me leg and said "You know what they say, got fat legs...you gotta fat BOX"
Woke up with a migrane, threw up blood, then my headache went away. I'm going to convince myself that it was just a bad batch of blood so I can drink again tonight
Sorry my moustache came off because I was face first in a layered bucket full of jello shots.
There's still flour in my hair. And I don't even want to know what the neighbors think happened infront of my house.
I'm not sure... But I think I just found a porno I starred in during my black out week of '08.
I'm using the Malibu pitcher you stole from the bar to make pancakes this morning. It's actually working really well.
we had sex in his office so i figured it was appropriate to like his company's page on facebook
Apparently I thought every drink in my house needed to have a buddy so I put some vodka in each one. Long story short being wasted at work because the gatorade you brought is 60% liqour is not a great idea.
He hit me with his bagpipe
Isnt that against the lesbian handbook?
when ur drunk laser tag is all fun n games. try it high and all of the aliens in the galaxy want you dead.
Randomize
