you dont know how to answer ppls txts anymore?!?
im sorry, i don't get text messages.
I need to not be around brick walls while intoxicated.
Dude it was weird. The strippers vagina tasted kind of like your mother's.
It's a line of coke at 10 a.m. kind of Saturday. Don't be a pussy about life.
I just realized that my phone was set to Brazilian time...what the fuck happened last night
I woke up on the toilet with my feet gorilla glued to the floor, cake and makeup on my face and my hand glued to my head.
Welcome to the world of vodka. Rule #1: NEVER PASS OUT. Happy 21st
most of the afternoon was spent sneaking around my house and alternating which bathrrom to throw up in.
You kept trying to get the girl i brought home to hook up with you by enticing her with 12 baconnators you brought home
I thought my life was going to shit but then I read about Amanda Bynes and I realize it's not so bad
they set my background as his mugshot to remind me "having a big penis won't be a valid excuse in a court room."
My manager just held my hair while I threw up in a dumpster. New low.
And I must've sleep walked to the fridge cause when I woke up, there I was, balls deep in a fudge pop.
You are ridiculously similar to a unicorn, and I want to fuck that unicorn.
I brought those bastards cookies so they can deal with my sex noise, fuck them and their roommate asses
Dude you were so wasted you thought a fake electric candle was real and tried to light your cig with it. Multiple times.
Randomize
