I ride home in a shopping cart. Don't at like you aren't jealous.
why are there post-it notes all around the apartment labeled where you guys had sex and in what position
the bottle said: caution extremely flammable. so that was my motivation.
just drunkenly made mashed potatoes at midnight. what have you done for your calorie intake lately?
Dave used his AAA card to get my car towed to my house so I could get drunk. Evil genius.
And fyi howling is not an acceptable form of communication.
My team for a project is gonna have weekly meetings at a bar. yessss. they will do all the work while i thor hammer down beers.
Who ever is in the stall next to me is crying and it sounds like they're doing massive amounts of blow too. Finals for your ass huh.
Fuck you, you can't judge me til you've smelt my boobs.
Just accidentally flashed my junk to the lady helping me try on suits, it was cold in there, I don't think she was impressed.
I told her it would be awesome. We are all the same people. One of us would always be drunk, one of us would always be hooking up, and one of us would always be crying into a pancake.
I haven't had a bra on since I quit my job.
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
You were yelling at them from the passenger seat saying you wanted your chicken for free because they couldn't prove it was from kentucky
You made me promise I wouldnt let you play "fuck fuck goose" with a 40 year old ever again.
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