i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
She kept saying "I didn't do it" but she was so drunk she forgot her pee was orange from her UTI medicine.
i feel like someone uncorked me like a wine bottle and pulled a living animal outta my arse.
my dad brought home flowers.. so i started talking to them
no jill really. Evrything around me is talking to me. The plant, my dog, the tv,the lamp. Its amazing.
I found her sitting in the shower having an argument with the dolphins on the shower curtain.
I don't remember. I remember laying in the trunk of a car. For hours.
in the past 3 nights i've fucked a millionaire, a drug dealer and a civil engineer... i dont really have a "type" anymore
she was drinking until 3, woke up at 7, shouted 'I'M STILL DRUNK" and went out for a jog in her thong
I have to stop drunkenly making out with guys just because they're tall or have a beard.
Don't feel bad, we're professionals and we just housed burgers in burger king singing I believe I can fly
And then, I saw the prophecy come to fruition. It was the Dick of Destiny.
Is it bad that I'm a 32 year old woman that is so afraid of commitment that a hamster is too much responsibility?
You haven't lived until you've thrown up naked in a hotel room in Fargo while holding your breasts so they don't touch the toilet bowl.
Do you think it would be weird to wear a shirt that says 'big fun small package' from an ex for a first date?
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