I'm surprised I didn't puke tonight
Almost ran you over in the parking lot. You look good
did the walk of shame from ex-boyfriend's room only to find other ex-boyfriend sitting in the living room. some people shouldn't be allowed to be friends.
some people shouldn't be allowed to be desperate.
Just had a girl agree to give me a blowjob in exchange for wearing my jacket during class. Talk about successful negotiations. Best day of my life
Wow, Pearl Harbor and The Notebook are on. Its like the Im going to kill myself marathon.
There are huge fuckin pieces of palm tree in the road. what a road hazard. as i sit here and text you as i swerve to miss them
Last thing I remember was you straddling a guy in a wheelchair on the dance floor.
Just think of all the blizzard sex people are having right now
Between the plague n the counterfeit drugs we brought back from mexico I'm not thinking too highly of their country right now. Screw mexican homeless men.
You know what's even more awkward then buying plan b from someone who is a member at the gym you work at... When they come in after that day and have that look of recognition
I'm trying to be celibate. I'm having me time. I'm eating cake.
We drove through Taco-Bell on our way to the ER
I put miralax in my rum/coke. Go hard or go home.
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
As much as I hate to admit it, some day ill need a man because I can't open jars myself and you can't 69 a dildo
Like I don't even know how to respond to this?
Randomize