last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
hey in girl talk does "want to come over tonight and have some beers with me?" mean i want wiener?
Seriously, I would hit on barney the dinosaur right now if it meant I was going to get laid.
It feels like I've shaved away my winter coat and my vagina is going to freeze if I go outside.
officially christened the dorm room by sucking my spilled drink off the floor. tastes like homee
I'm about to sell my hamster for weed money I'll call you in a few
So what do normal people wear to parties? Normal meaning not you.
You wear an inflatable farm animal to TWO THEMED PARTIES and I never get to hear the end of it...
When this bachelor party is over and your life is in ruins, you have my permission to die.
And one night I got way too drunk and thought he said call me a polish name so I called him Konrad. Now he thinks I cheated on him with a Konrad.
That's my new pick up line call me a polish name
It must suffice lest there secretly exist a picture of me walking out of the ocean at midnight naked and half mast with a sea urchin on my ass
Technically, I traded a soft pretzel for sex last night...
I'm crying and shaving my Bronco playoff beard
The girl in line in front of me at the grocery store is buying wine, m&m minis, a toothbrush, and condoms. Is it inappropriate to high-five her?
She's still mad at me for saying she looked pregnant and not getting her chicken nuggets.
He left a fire sauce packet from taco bell that said "promise you'll text me in the morning" on my nightstand.
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