just found out my sister was breast fed and i was not...pretty upset about that.
Did you ask last night's taxi driver about his penis hygiene?
Now have a vodka water and get your shit together
for breakfast I had vodka and flavor blasted goldfish. and I'm topless.
Ok, gonna go sleep cuz my brain wants to be smart and not follow my pussy into the danger zone
dreams really do come true on the roof and drinking again
The smell came through my closed door. His farts are made of rendered tires, and apparently, ghosts.
I got stoned and explored ice caves with a guy who photographs dildos for a living. I win.
Yeah no problem. What are blow job angels for anyways
My mom said she saw you at the grocery store. Said you looked like you were "headed for a Lindsay Lohan quarter life crisis of sorts"
Clearly you've confused me for someone who has their shit together, and honestly I have no idea how you did that.
I wish I had a Tina from Bob's Burgers in real life. She would be the best wingman.
My neighbor was my D.A.R.E officer and I feel like I've defeated him by smoking weed outside everyday
I got confused. The music was loud, porn was playing, people were grinding, there were hand jobs.
Nah, we’re just sitting around talking about different kinds of boners
Randomize
