I just had an epiphany. There is NOTHING TO STOP ME from making cake mix and eating it all instead of making a cake. It feels like my entire life has peaked at this moment.
oh great, iTunes now thinks im gay.
Apparently I promised a worker at La Siesta free English lessons to make up for vomming all over the little Mariachi band.
That chick needs a catscan. And fuck it, we're still ordering in a stripper
im about 40 per cent sure i invited the bouncer to our pajama party next weekend...
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
you pulled down your pants to convince a girl you were god
He chipped a tooth on the first beer. You know the night is just going to be a slushy mess after that.
I was thinking more like a "sorry you can hear us, but I'm having the best sex of my life" cake
If anyone remembers any details of tonight please address concerns to my lawyer. This is a mass text.
I'm in Florida in a retirement community the fuck am I supposed to do but watch tv and disgrace Jesus
I just want to see his penis in the light. Is that a crime?
It was all good until his cat started licking my nipple along with him
Not sure how my purse ended up in the bushes last night... Or why there was a noodle strainer in the toilet.
Why would I want a relationship when I’m the side dick for my boss and a few women from the gym
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