One question: Why is your trash can full of blood and pop-tarts?
She kept chasing him yelling thief, because he drank some of her drink. That was at 8, it got worse.
She's grinding on a deaf black man and I'm the interpreter.
The security guard told you that the room was off limits and you just looked at him and said,"Its okay, I have a beard".
Dude, she brought over peach cobbler, weed and alcohol plus I'm gonna get laid. She's by far the coolest sister you have.
It'll just be like "PENIS HERE". In case you get lost.
They switched jackets and you didn't notice. You made out with both of them and had no idea
Know what was probably a bad idea? Using white wine as a mixer for vodka.
Best sex of my life. But I think it's because I like his apartment. Really nice bed sheets. High vaulted ceilings. I wanted to lay there forever.
You're getting old. Was it located in a nice school district for your future offspring?
I slept with one of the directors so you would get a good price on the ballroom for your reception. I'm the best MOH. You owe me bitch
I need a drink and a shade of lipstick that will put the fear of God in a man's heart.
Realizing life ain't all about burritos and strippers, it's a struggle out there, and it ain't looking pretty so far,..
I thought I was really making her scream. Turns out she had a Lego jammed in her lower back.
I have betrayed my no carb ways & I can feel it.
Embrace it. Come over to the dark side. I'll feed you muffins while stroking your hair.
I woke up an hour ago with orange fingers and a condom stuck to my head.. Wtf just happened?
Randomize
