When I asked if she spit or swallow she replied "I never learned how to spit"
I threw up under water while wearing a hockey helmet last night. Awesome.
I saw Winona at my church today. She has boobs, now.
Miracles do happen.
I'm glad I have good healthy relationships with my one night stands
Somehow "stranger danger" turned into making out with a 25 year old on burbon street.
So if you ever need to know a guy who knows a guy who knows a guy that can put a 24oz beer can up his ass... Hit me up...
He was wearing an Affliction shirt, a Monster hat, and he asked me for anal within 5 minutes of meeting me. Like 3 strikes and you're out, bro.
I seriously had alll four of your knuckles bruised into my arm
You walked in wearing nothing but a beekeeper mask
Tbh the only thing I was fully concerned about from the dream was what type of fucked up parallel universe doesn't have Coca-Cola
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
So yeah, my old kindergarten teacher just asked me who gave me the hickies on me neck.
I've never seen so much of my blood outside me. After the initial shock it was kind of cool.
Why did I not realize how important my fridge was till I was drunk. It keeps all my food cold its like my own cold box
The squirrels were at the front door. Dude I swear..
Randomize
