i swear to god, this restaurant is playing a john tesh cover of a song from aladdin
I was so high I thought there were pigeons in my room. Long story short there are now donut crumbs all around my bedroom.
literally overdrew my bank account at 3 in the morning to eat subway with 7 sherriffs.
I got called a drunken housewife today in class. I'm proud, not many people can say they've achieved their life goals like I have by the time they turn 20
You're the third person who's asked me for an afternoon blow connection in one day. Unreal.
That's more of a you-issue than a me-issue
antibiotics and champagne: breakfast of champions
Hey dude this is some next level no homo shit but im gonna get 2 tickets to the opera and go Hail Mary on this one girl. U take the extra ticket if i fail.
There is always the bar, but 2 30 on a Tuesday just screams alcoholism
Ok: all ex-gfs except you from the last 5 years have or are about to have a baby...be on the lookout...
Seriously, it's 5am. STOP CREEPIN and START SLEEPIN!
I think I pulled a muscle in my tongue.
sorry? thank you? I love you?
She was a little thick, but we banged on the beach and fireworks went off as we finished so I think God wanted it
I can empathize with sociopaths, serial killers, demons, gods, and monsters....straight white males are literally the only barrier to my 100% empathy rate. I don't get it.
Apparently I told him the people made me order taco bell I didn't even want it. And then proceeded to turn off all the lights and sit at the kitchen table in the dark and told him not to look at me.
I’d say they were worth it. He screamed “your tits are fanfuckingtastic!”while he was cumming
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