I could have mohawked her pubes.
We had sex this morning and after she goes, " So are we going to do something for Valentines Day?"
The vibrator you gave me is probably the one thing I will never give up if we got robbed at gunpoint
Like if Robert Downey Jr. and Kiefer Sutherland got together for a bender, that's how drunk I want us to be.
Shark Week. Kick off begins Sunday. The drinking game has been upgraded to include jumping/breaching sharks and Jake's not allowed to bring the harpoon. Period.
That's why I don't chug things. Because when I was a freshman in college tequila came out my nose.
I think I should just accept my destiny that I'm going to be someone's second wife
My tits sealed my fate
Wow. I feel like a bad friend. My fuckbuddy wished you a happy birthday before I did. The reality of that just hit me.
Please tell me I didn't help an old woman shave her vagina last night. Please.
That's the least of the fucked up shit you did last night dude.
you're right. i am beautiful. like a May day. frolicking in a meadow of wildflowers. platinum in one hand. pipe in the other. that kind of beautiful.
If it makes you feel any better... I have a friend who found out her mom was in the video for 2 Live Crew's "Pop That Pussy"
Back of his car in the Starbucks parking lot WITH HIS APRON STILL ON. Check and Mate.
Holy shit. You won barista bingo AND the Triple Crown in one day.
So his shoes are still here. And there are three contacts in a case. And a shirt on the bed. I've checked my dorm and he's not here. I'm so confused.
My mom is selling her car. I'm secretly relieved I won't ever have to tell her about that time you puked in it
Had a very good bday. Have the teeth marks and bruises to prove it
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