I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
So I tried to call my phone from his phone and was like, "hey, my name is not in here..I thought you had my number" turns out he has my number saved as "gives good head"
when i came out to my mom, it was over brunch. i was eating a banana. not exactly my smartest breakfast choice.
His parents had a bottle of captain morgan on the table for me when I went for dinner. I feel accepted
He told me that I smelled like a Glade Plug-in, then sang the Menard's jingle in it's entirety in between kissing me.
Its like her house is inhabited by 50 year old lesbian water color artists with a throw pillow fetish
Fuck edible panties there is a dress made out of bacon
I feel like drug tests are a little less "random" when you are employed by your father.
Well, our assistant supervisor caught us on the back stairs...he invited us on a double date with his fiance and him. I guess our job approves of the relationship?
Settled one third of the tab. Am going back for sex. Love you, make friends
Would it be weird to bake him a cake that says "sorry I peed on your bed"?
We had to push you home in an abandoned shopping trolley. You thought you were in a pirate boat and kept yelling "AVAST, ME HEARTIES".
sex on a bike is impossible
challenge accepted
I’m gonna slowly take you in my mouth and push you deep into my throat so my lips are right up against your body and then I’m gonna fucking bite your shit off if one more of our friends shows me a snap you took while I was giving you head. Are we clear?
New rock bottom. Woke up at 7 am fully clothed in a bathtub full of water. I hate myself.
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