I just accidently sent my poop smells like vodka to 27 people in my phone book
i saw the 3rd guy i ever had sex with last night and kept calling him #3
tip of the day : never have sex with a full bladder. it WILL lead to complications and a very unhappy partner.
maybe it wasnt such a good idea to pregame our lease signing...
I'm thinking about that time I was in a trashbag and you spray painted my hair yellow
Just so you know there's a random man downstairs knocking on a door with a dozen roses and a 30 pack of beer. Unattractive or not, I'm inviting him in.
Having a man strip on demand was an awesome way to start birthday. What more could a girl ask for? U the best!
I swear man, you fly across the country to give a boy your virginity and he suddenly thinks you like him
Ever the responsible adult, I just realized that today is the Obamacare deadline, but I'm too high to handle insurance now.
Well, I woke up on a roll-away, with a knot in the back of my head and penis confetti stuck to me. Also, I apparently literally gave the shirt off my back right before I passed out, so I was topless. Vegas won this trip.
moral of my life: don't tell a guy you want to have sex with him. he'll get back together with his ex.
These muscle relaxers obviously don't work because I'm harder than a fucking diamond.
You know it’s going to be a rough day when you scream “Get fucked” at your alarm clock
Actually new year, new me. I haven’t had sex yet so technically I’ve been a virgin all year.
I'm at the drive thru window, five minutes out. If the bathtub is empty or you're dressed when I arrive I'm not sharing.
Randomize
