I just found 17 dollars of saltine crackers in my room. confused incredibly. suprised not at all.
My cousin's dog just exhaled smoke. My job here is done.
It's an open bar on a yacht... I'm going to drown.
Awesome. My fame will spread to DC... As will the herpes.
She's the only person who can pull off turning an outdoor patio heater tower into a stripper pole.
He was the only guy who ever made me cry..
Who, the park ranger who made you dump out your beer on the beach?
I woke up with the suicide hotline number saved as 'Hot Guy Josh'
are you just inviting me because you can't afford an actual stripper?
I can control the tv with my phone while pooping on the second floor. I thought you should know for future reference
Its like drunk me is Oprah except instead of a car everyone's award is seeing my boobs
Are you ok?
They gave me a cat until I fall asleep. His name is fluffy because he's fluffy.
I ate mushroom chocolates & went to the botanical gardens for Christmas. HAPPY FUCKING HOLIDAYS
We can't go out this weekend. My uterus is so desperate it's given me permanent beer goggles
And then you poured the rest of the vodka into salsa and added the alcohol soaked pineapples and grapes and said "don't touch my salsa breakfast".
My plan to hit on all your friends went to shit after the 3rd dirty martini.
Randomize
