Moving to Utah. Got sick of alcohol and have a severe wife shortage.
he said he didn't have a condom.
and you said?
that that's fine cause i was ready to be a mom. yeah - he magically had a condom he forgot about after that.
I just put a tampon in while driving. Don't tell me I don't got skills.
you pissed in the sink and didnt realize it until it was time to wash your hands
I miss waking up, opening the closet downstairs, and finding you inside passed out.
You know you stopped at a liquor store to prepare for a 12-year-old's birthday party, right?
i just remember doing it on a pile of clothes while i heard the muffled sound of his friend laughing. then i realized we were in a closet.
She said, "awww, you're so sweet" after I started putting on a condom. How many STDs have I just contracted?
Stripper with the black hair and lip rings is still asleep. Found out she wasn't lying when she said she was a squirter, it was like splash mountain.
Well obviously when I get drunk my intelligence level surpasses yours and that's why you can't understand me.
I thi k this dude I fcken showed up to the bar in a raisins shirts. I thought I was better than that. Fuckkkk.
We didn't want to make a pit stop so I just helped my husband pee in a bottle. No one told me this was part of love.
Tonight we learned that just because we can fit a Tic Tac in the tip of my penis that does not mean we should.
I just want somewhere where I can sit down, without changing my clothes, that will serve me breakfast food and booze. Is that too much to ask?
I'm just gonna back away slowly and come back when there's less weird crap.
Randomize
