She punched me in the face after i pulled it out and grabbed my cell phone. Ill be the one hiding in the bushes with one shoe.
Ikea night.
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Insert tab A into swedish slot B
I'm at this poker game and this kid to my left is bragging about all the chicks he hits including a "playboy model" when all of a sudden this 22 guy looks him in the eye and says "ever fuck a 70 woman. The things they can and are willing to do" Next think the whole table is quiet for an hour. That guys my hero...
I would say a second date is not looking likely, I acciedentally bit his penis. it's still bleeding 43 minutes later.
I can't get a boner in the bathroom of a buffet.
he pretended not to hear me say our safety word. how do you think I feel?
You can't say "they have anal bleaching for that" and then just hang up
I was trying to sing daddy wasnt there from austin powers but apparently I was crying and and yelling jibberish...I get to into this shit
I feel like the only phrases I can clearly speak while drunk consist of: i'm fucking drunk, chug, and shots
Tommorow.Eggs Benedict and surprise blowjob day
The maintenance guy says happy birthday. Also, he likes your penis balloon.
When the sex is so good, you need three fans and have to chug a gallon of water after
ugffhh I have work in 4 hours and have recieved zero sleep, seeing that I'm trapped in the arms of a snoring bear man. can't. breathe. lost in the forestry of his chest hair.
It's a combination of amazing uncoordination, bad luck, and sheer determination to cause destruction wherever I go.
Periods are much less exciting when you're not sexually active.
Randomize
