when im not freaking out about dying alone and unloved, i actually really enjoy being single
Sorry for drunk singing "love hurts" to you at 3 am.
Since your rent is paid til the first, we decided to use your apartment as the beer pong room. We apologize in advance for losing your security deposit.
What's the appropriate way to phrase "If you ever leave your wife give me a call. But we can still have sex periodically until then."??
He looked at my vag and said "you have a nice situation down there. Good work"
okay just a general question, but if i got arrested, who here would bail me out. this is important.
I think I just sold a snake to a stoned teenager.
A guy at one of our big accounts just said you probably dont remember meeting me saturday night ps you were right about those two girls being lesbian
He sent me a 7 minute voicemail of him playing wonderwall on the acoustic guitar I'm not even kidding did he seriously think that would work
Drinking and pointing where stuff needs to go is hard stuff.
Yeah. I don't know. I'm just gonna show up at her place on valentines day with a jock strap, box of chocolates, and rose clenched between my ass cheeks with "be mine" written across my glorious man titties.
No. I'm sorry but once your "would go gay for" list exceeds five people, you're bi. Get over it.
Sitting naked in my bed eating leftover Mexican food drinking coors light.. Can it get any more single than this?
Dont you look at me in that tone of voice
In other news I was masturbating last night and came really fucking hard to the thought of yelling at a customer....
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