Ill pay your DUI fine if you just come see me nooooowwwww
no. its 2:30am and im not going to jail for a booty call
dont seek real advice from me tonight cause its always gonna end with we should have sex
I was so high last night that i'm 89% sure my roommates set up an obstacle course for me and timed it. Not positive.. I think one of the challenges was pairing shoes
We asked an illegal alien to buy us beer. He didn't even want a tip. I'm going to Washington to plead that case.
I just saw that blonde chick you wanna bang rolling down the hall wearing a Thor mask..
Wow. We're meant to be..
When you get up and look at yourself in the mirror, don't be alarmed. The doctor assured us last night that it looked way worse than it actually was and there won't be a scar when the stitches come out
That moment when you cant decide between eating spaghetti or a Popsicle for breakfast
I didn't realize how trashy of a night we had.
Welllll, you did eat a cherry out of my pussy. So I think that classes it up a little.
You screamed "i promise ill stop blowing your brother" in the middle of a packed restaurant at 1pm. We should maybe rethink our relationship.
No worries, I've prioritized my homework into "can do drunk" and "should be sober" categories. We're good.
But I've also made plans to crash a black tie event wearing a storm trooper helmet. I think I've found the love of my life..
I'm pretty sure our sex is better than most foods and that says a lot too bc I really like food
You told me you were trying to learn all the MLB ballparks while you waited for your porn to load.
Last night I drank three beers and threw up in a tree house. I am ashamed.
Weird. And pubic lice are now endangered so your hairy balls can rest easy
Randomize