life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
Sorry I thought I was a lizard earlier.
Think I'm gonna go cougar hunting tonight... Any advice?
condoms and good judgment
Can I buy both of those at the same store?
my boss said she was surprised to see me this morning. i told her there's a time in a girls life she has to give up day drinking in order to make money for next weekend's alcohol. she looked so proud, i think i might get a raise.
He wanted a handjob during a John Wayne movie. I just couldn't find it in my heart to disrespect that man. John Wayne that is.
Also, the zoloft kicked in and I can't get an erection anymore. So I'm depressed.
all I heard when I woke up this morning was "BONG HITS FOR BREAKFAST" being yelled repeatedly.
Got a stripper to howl at my wolf shirt.
No worries. On my way home to get ski poles and wipe the sick off my face. Then it's time to get drunk in the park
I like to play this game where I try to reach orgasm before my bathtub overflows....lost tonight.
did i just see you in the movie theater carrying a margarita into Frozen?
All the 6 year olds are jealous of my alcohol
How many ballsacks did you see last night because I saw eight
Thanks. It's every girl's dream, right? To blow a bald marketing consultant 12 years her senior?
I don't even know if he's actually hot or just hot because he plays hockey..
You did not just say that.
Visiting my great uncle went well. The highlight of the evening was when he said, "Oh my god. I'm 79 and I'm teaching 18 year old kids how to roll a joint."
Randomize
