This cookie i'm eating tastes like pizza. It was so worth contacting my sister for pot.
So I just watched the Lakers/Magic game so I could have something to talk about with him after we have sex this time
I wasn't trying to make you feel bad, I just agreed with you that your life does suck.
i think i recognize dicks better than faces
I have to verbally tell you. He looks good on paper...but he totally fails in person. Like communism.
my mom said i couldn't bring cigarettes cause it was a family trip, which was really irresponsible of her because now i have to walk around the beach drunk trying to find someone with cigarettes.
How drunk are u on a scale of one to couldn't get it up if u had a gun at ur head?
i'm too drunk to leave my room. poked my head out like a turtle and everyone knew i wasn't sober. i like it better in my nonjudgmental turtle shell anyway.
You need to stop having girl talk with the guys I'm sleeping with.
The ultimate Father's Day bonding experience: Both getting bailed out of jail by mom for mooning some shithead cop.
You were passed out in the OutBack Bowl Shrimp costume and when we asked you wtf happened you just said On Wisconsin.
I mean I could but due to my age and being a mother and all I feel it's poor judgment to give fellatio in a public establishment.
Don't be hating on my everclear. Never taken a smoother journey into intoxication.
It's a classy one I promise! Their toilets are cushioned an tier wifi is named hummingbird
i just remembered i drunk watched the brave little toaster last night
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