If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
too bad you live with your parents still
Life Lesson Number 76: Masturbating into a sock is useless if there is a hole in it.
How am I still drunk? Whoever said breakfast is the most important meal obviously didn't skip dinner and go drinking.
So me and friend just finished Eiffel towering this girl and sounds great in theory but after the high five has commenced its just a weird threesome especially when you make eye contact with your buddy during the session
a lot of self evaluation comes after you have to clean up a trashcan of your own vomit and condoms
She's cheated on every boyfriend she's ever had with the same guy. She's like a slutty yo-yo.
She shouted out halfway through "that costume does nothing to hide your cock". Last time we let her drink at the theatre.
Also I climbed atop a mailbox with a toilet paper hat and a wolverine claw made of glowsticks, screaming at passers-by that they were going to die. Control me
When you passed out on the kitchen counter she brushed and flossed your teeth, then carried/dragged you to bed. Why aren't you married?
4:37 am. You're wearing underwear and carpet skates. Borderline crying. You want to punch Morgan. Have not stopped singing Give Your Heart a Break.
If there's one thing i learned from edward 40hands is that i couldnt handle life with bottles for hands
We talked about breaking up, had sex, and in the middle of said sex, talked more about breaking up- best sad day ever
That means I have to put pants on. That is not something I am willing to do right now.
i think we sleep fucked last night...
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