My moms helping me unpack but im getting a little nervous because I dont remember where i put my dildo
please come you make the beer taste better
yeah. you were just sitting there watching transformers, caressing your toaster.
He showed up drunk to my cousions HS grad party, we stayed at the bars till 2, then he got up at 5 to run a half marathon and by the time I woke up wlhe was already back and drinking.
Just saw 1 guy dressed as a cow and another dressed as a shrimp dancing on the side of the road. We're turning around I NEED to dance with them.
What kind of gift says: "I love you because you're my mom & I'm obligated to, but I don't like you" ?
He sent me a picture of his dick earlier so now we can all laugh at him tomorrow
The worst that could happen is you end up with a black eye and I get laid.. I'm okay with my end of that bargain.
He let me keep my Michael Jordan Bulls jersey on during sex.
The DJ was throwing glowsticks into the crowd and managed to smack one guy in the face with them
I woke up naked to an alarm set for 11:18 pm and missing a shoe. How was your night?
Well to me, someone is not really my friend until we go to a mcdonalds drunk at 4am. It's like a right of passage
Oh my lord it is too early in the morning to be that horny freak
my vagina doesn't wear a watch
First she snuck beer into the movies and then proceded to give me a handjob in the dark theatre. I think I'm in love
Why did you buy a cock ring?
I’m going to propose to his penis
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