I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
So even though we broke up apparently according to my voice mail you still like me, with smurfs while riding on a boat.
It can't be good... The last recollection I have is singing lullabys to his penis
Thank god the bicycalist i hit was on drugs
I think I'm going to postpone my photo shoot until my Gpa dies. I don't want to be in lingerie and stripper heels when I finally get the call
Please assure him that the flying penis statue is for display purposes only.
Is it just me or does the sex still keep getting better? I wasn't crying, my eyes just watered from how hard I was cumming.
Can you help me get ready before work? I need a look that says I'm-happy-to-help-but-I'm-hungover-so-leave-your-attitude-at-the-door-because-I'm-not-taking-anyone's-shit-today.
He called me skinny, I broke his garbage disposal, then denied him sex. Normal second date etiquette.
Thanks for launching me off you reverse cowgirl. I think I chipped a tooth.
I gave a handjob to the beat of uptown fuck last night
Sorry I peed on your ottoman
like I'd leave you in a situation like that..pfft. what kinda friend do you think I am?
...a stoned one.
When creating your wedding guest list do you put the girl you & your fiance had a threesome with under your friends or his friends?
Fucker was flying a Bruins flag. He can pick up the dog's poop himself.
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