All his texts have the signature of a date with a smile. I asked him what it means. IT'S THE DAY HE QUIT DOING DRUGS
She came in to my room half naked at 3am asking me if I had seen the movie balls deep 7
We're sitting in his room writing songs about America. There's a verse about a dead dog. There's tequila everywhere.
The nursing school interview showed me a picture of my passed out during your party. They asked if this was a frquent thing. I told them you drugged me.
You working tonight?
Keg. Hottub. Wearimnh a 8th graders bikini. Mess
No worries. On my way home to get ski poles and wipe the sick off my face. Then it's time to get drunk in the park
Waking up with a sore back because you put the team on it for jager pong all night
I walked in and all four of you were covering your heads under the blanket singing waterslides in unison.
So I feel like I should feel objectified by your comment about my boobs but instead I just feel proud. 21ST CENTURY FEMINISM, BABY
I'm gonna write a book one day about how to be the less attractive person girls settle for after getting dumped. I will send you a copy
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
only i would get off to receiving death threats online
I am such a fucking liability at weddings. I ended up making out with this married 40-year-old that told me that basically if I came home with him and be a sex partner for him and his wife, I would never have to pay for anything again. Extremely considered it.
You know you're high when you find yourself sitting on the floor with the refrigerator door open, talking to various foods. Hand gestures and all.
Just called to hear your voice and talk about pizza.
Randomize