Here's a fun fact your kittens ate my vomit last night
Nothin says happy bday jesus like a shot with your loved ones.
we went to the store to buy cookie dough and conditionally went straight towards the booze
I mean, keeping the tube socks on AND taking cell phone pictures that he didn't ask for during sex? that's two strikes kiddo.
Apparently he always goes for the wrong girl so it should be easy for me to nail him.
he came within less than a minute of me blowing him. this was our second night hanging out in a row. for an almost 30 year old italian man, he is NOT living up to his country's reputation
You will receive a large, large reward, worth much more than the actual phone you are holding, paid not only in cash but in sexual favors, if you return this phone! Please respond if you're interested in cash/sex/or just being a good person. Thanks and hope to hear from you soon!
Just woke up to the best idea ever. Vodka infused BUTTER. Take a second, and think of the possibilities.
YOU TOLD ME THAT YOU CAUGHT A TAXI HOME. SARAH SAID THE POLICE DROPPED YOU OFF.
He was like Sweeney Todd... But, without the killing people part.
So... He's a barber?
No. He's got crazy hair, and a revenge fetish. But he's hot. Does that make up for it?
I jus want to remember tomorrow how proud I was tonight for wearing my rainbow leggings as a long sleeved shrug I feel like fucking MacGuyver
I woke up in my neighbors backyard with glitter on my teeth and sparklers super glued on my bra. which part was your fault?
alright well you definitely hurt his feelings though you told him he looked like he was going to an Amish community prayer meeting..
So I said "fuck it" and made myself a sandwich
By the time we got to McDonald's you were sharing a Big Mac with a stripper.
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