I feel like I got hit by a truck made out of Jack Daniels.
I'm so bored, I can only pretend that this truck is a spaceship for so long.
I always know the weekend is over when the real license comes out and the fake goes back into the hiding spot.
Not exactly sure why you felt the need to get the halloween decorations out. But waking up to 7 carved pumpkins really scares the shit out of you.
whatever. i don't care. i just want to be drunk wrapped in an american flag.
I just came so hard there were tears. Actual tears.
I just want to know what horrible accidents of evolution allowed that tiny penis to exist
I told him I was very thankful for what his country has done to my vagina and walked away.
At a bar across from the city police station. I PROMISE I will do something great.
Leave it to me to sleep w a guy who gets poison ivy on his dick
Hey, scratch that. I've shit 8 times today. I don't have the energy to get laid so I cancelled my date.
I don't know how Dave is alive, I feel like he's been drinking since I met him.
The hospital waiting room is starting to become a very familiar place to me.
He is a beautiful butterfly covered in tattoos and naked.
I was about to break it off with him because I realised he only wanted me for sex, until I realised that I only wanted HIM for sex. Win/win
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