Sometimes I find that I've been touching my boob(s) without even realizing it.
I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
I just saw a homeless guy on rollerblades; I don't think I've ever felt sorrier for someone in my life.
They had a "who can aim further away from the toilet" contest. I'm now washing piss off my ceiling.
If I had cancer, and got to make a wish, id make the organization force your dad to fuck me.
I'm tripping balls on ambien right now and I still feel that's a bad idea.
he'll always be the guy that i fucked on the bathroom floor
I swear to God, if you have sex in my bed one more time you're gonna start paying rent
Um went out in San Francisco last night and ignored someone hitting on me. So they bit my arm. Lmfao PLEASE TELL ME THIS ISNT THE SINGLE LIFE
30% sure Kevin and I just adopted a cat. Talk to me when the sun's up but I really feel like that's a thing.
Dude I swear I'm scooping human shit out of the litter boxes. What the fuck happened last night?
NO HE PUT HIS HAND IN HIS PANTS BEFORE HE TOUCHED THE BONG.
ILLEGAL
I think I may be going on too many job interviews. I've started to bring up Shonda Rhimes in my interview answers.
A girl in McDonalds just asked if I was in here wasted a few nights ago throwing fries at the staff, I said it was my twin
We both know that wasn't me
Through a complicated series of events, I wound up in the desert with a blue chick from comic-con. we lost peter. if you're alive, please come get us.
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