I wish I could teleport
Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
Why don't I have your new number? And who have I been texting?
Just had to open a tuna can with a spoon. Gave me a sense of hunting for my own food.
Jeremys mom is here. I gave her mad jello shots and now were griding. ima give it to her: ultimate payback for him fucking my gf.
Just took my morning after pill in the library
I just got a 45 minute blow job...she literally sucked the single life outta me.
u sound so gay right now
All she said was "the usual?" and unzipped my pants.
I could write a book on how to barely get by in community college. I just took an online quiz on my phone, at the bar, 6 minutes before it was due.
I'm sorry for not being sorry about whatever shit I did to you when you were annoying and I was drunk. That is all.
I just remember looking over and seeing you on top of him and us high fiving. That's when I knew we'd be perfect roommates
so i EARNED it!?! i EARNED dying alone with cats!!?
Did my dad just see you doing a walk of shame?
Yup I waved.
She can't take shots?!? Literally if I could list that as a skill on a resume I would
Only good thing about being an essential worker is that I have a letter allowing me to cross the bridge into jersey to get booze
Randomize
