Seriously? Do you have me saved in your phone as 'check every 3 months to see if she's single yet'?
when i'm not drinking i'm making facebook events about drinking
I prob couldn't even get his attention if I had a dick growing out of my forehead
well in DOG beers, i've only had one
Found out it was only pneumonia. We celebrated hydrocodone cough syrup. Two long island ice teas at lunch and the random white powder we found in her purse. Mother of the year award.
I tried to force my roommate into a sink last night. And I almost won.
red lips, whiskey sips, shaking hips, nipple slips. my life as a rap song.
I am the sex elephant in the room. Again.
Well you were hungry, by then you cried and called yourself a basic bitch for eating crackers
Speeding home on my break at work because I forgot to grab my Percocets that I have because getting through work sober's too hard
He snapchated me a photo of his penis with the caption "it needs a home".
How is it medically possible for my urine to smell like espresso
First morning at school this semester and I threw up in a bush during my walk of shame.
Thanks to you I can't show my boobs tomorrow for the interview.
You came in wearing a whipped cream bikini what did you think would happen
Do you just want me to shit in a Jack-o-latern
Randomize
