OH RELAX, IT WAS PITY SEX.....
Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
you were so high you spent the rest of the night smelling pepper to prove you can sneeze with your eyes open
You might not want to sit on your couch. Actually you may want to throw it away. My bad.
I wish my period boobs were my regular boobs.
he's been in the country 4 hours and we just did it in the closet. he called me "miss flirtatious in the cupboard." i'm in love.
Great I'll forever be branded as gym slut at the new gym.
my parents decided to start a new christmas tradition. we will now be drinking champagne while opening presents, and we each get our own bottle
I'm kinda surprised he wouldn't be honored to take me back as a fuck buddy.
He said you asked to eat pepperoni off his dick and he thought it was weird
I mean I thought it sounded fun
I think the pizza guy was in shock..
Well I didn't mean to answer the door only in socks but I mean come on, 4 hours of sex works up an appetite! I WAS RAVENOUS
Hey, thanks for helping me this morning
Always a pleasure to feed you bread as your body lay crumpled on the floor.
HE’S PUKING UP BLOOD
okay all good I mistook strawberita for blood...
If you are refering to the duckling living in your bath...I can explain, but before I do, can you throw a peice of bread in there?
Omg. I checked my purse this morning and I'm pretty sure drunk me stole a frat guys tube of crest 3d white toothpaste. Like that's pretty fucked up but I think if I knew someone did that to me I'd probably still invite them over again cuz I'd be like, "this girl's creative, and has good hygiene."
Randomize
