and that's when the elephants and penises started dancing on the ceiling
I'm drinking red wine & feeding anchovies to the dog. I'm really not picky about what kinda of company I'm in.
I mean it was his birthday. How was I supposed to tell him he could not wear a sombrero while we bang.
2nd year in a row being a arrested before school starts...tradition at its finest
I met a bunch of Germans and said in german "this is for the fatherland" and poured a beer on my head
He asked me what I wanted the cake to say and I then asked him if "I'm sorry for throwing up in your bed last night" was too long. He said it was...
I think having a vagina should be considered a skill, give me a break.
Dude tried texting you during but she threw my pants too far away
I called my mom while I was blackout drunk, and told her I was drunk, safe, and happy. But really, I was just drunk.
I don't know, but I assume drunk me had her reasons. I trust her judgement.
I am going to piss jack daniels before daylight.
Daylight. It is daylight. Who will give you a ride back?
I hope no one. I want to walk and have a bus hit me.
I just sent my ex off to a party, threw a condom at him, and told him to make good choices.
I think I'm just going to get a farm, a vibrater, and a lot of wine.
I passed out while searching "symptoms of narcolepsy"...
She pulled out a water gun filled with vodka and called it her weapon of choice tonight. She's fine.
Randomize
