You think if I promise to behave for the rest of my life, god will let me fuck her on the regular?
NEWSFLASH - my freind is drunk and admitted that he hates having sex with dogs. should i help him or let him be??
He also left me a wonderful voice mail..... and is now asking me where the planters peanut guy is.
You should probably go find him.
we played lady & the tramp with a hash brown from McDonald's....im in love.
sooo my mom just yelled up the stairs " you left your bowl down by the computer"....aaand for a second I forgot cereal bowls still existed
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
well, i woke up this morning to a note i left myself my dry erase board, "dear you: i had sex with someone awful."
Where was your thought process?
Drowning in my hangover.
If you bring chipotle to my house i'll let you eat your burrito out of my vagina
She's trying to put on her dog muzzle on her self
Yeah... I still gave her a hug because I felt really bad though. I mentioned that my boyfriends grandma just died too, just to reinforce that I'm straight afterwards.
i wasnt laughing because you were puking, i was laughing because three yards away there was a couple seriously getting it on
continuing my moment killer tradition in the best possible way
I feel like satan and death had a baby that took a shit that replaced my brain.
I'm not the one who gave a guy that lives next door to my grandmother a blowjob in a pub bathroom in Ireland, you have no room to judge.
It's the never-ending clusterfuck that is my love life
i sent him a picture of his friend's dick and told him he should really stop thinking he's my only option.
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