This old guy in denny's is sitting alone and he is looking at us and laughing for no reason
no. i seriously look so gross with this sunburn. i wouldnt even wanna bang myself. and im really into myself.
you kept lifting my skirt up, yelling "PANTY PARTY". needless to say, you're at the top of my father's shit list right now.
Sunburnt clitoris. How do I deal with it.
Just got tipped $5 for distracting some dude's gf while he got another girl's number. Bro-code at its finest.
Dong worry about me. I just cashed bottle of wine when I found out he was in town, I'm being dramatic. I'll text you tomorrow when I'm sober and my face stops bleeding
Do you think if you have sex with a girl twin, her twin brother feels it to? Woke up at her house and they both have a look of disappointment on their faces.
I think her version of saying goodnight was being flung over a guys shoulder as he said, "Bitch. You don't need no shoes."
his teacher called to say he gave a girl on the playground a rock to touch his penis. proudest moment of my fatherhood
I find it ironic...the gays are dying to get married & I just want a fucking divorce
Then I'll go home and you two can do whatever two same sex heterosexual soul mates do
The comfort of this onesie is keeping me single
I grabbed the pretzel bag with my toes last night. I think that day of yoga had paid off.
I'm not in the business of asking people about their lizard
I meant his actual lizard not his manhood
if wiping your ass w an envelope isnt the definition of hitting "financial rock bottom " then nothing is!
Randomize
