didn't have any spoons so I beer bonged my chicken noodle soup. I fucking love camping.
She started crying while we were cooking shrimp because 'Under the Sea" came on Pandora
I love having a boyfriend. I just ate pancakes with regular syrup and chocolate syrup, I havent shaved my legs in a week, and Im still going to get laid tonight.
fuck. you.
What's the point of being healthy if people still don't want to fuck you?
Well, he has like 3 girlfriends but I think I could be polygamist for that dick.
I think you begin to realize how unfair life really is when you're high and you discover that the new box of fruit by the foot on your shelf is actually empty
Dude, she found the red hair dye from 4th of July. then she proceeded to give you a red mohawk for a more patriotic thanksgiving eve. How do you not remember that?
When a chinchilla decides to sit on your face while you're getting head from its owner, you bond.
And I feel like pitchers of margaritas accidentally make it down your throat a lot.
I mean, the lady at the Mexican restaurant insisted. She said she would win a prize if she sold another pitcher before noon. And plus I got to wear a sombrero
You got called a pussy at a party with a slow cooker, you can't let that shit slide
Can we just talk about the fact that the last time I got laid I was wearing a Jurassic Park tshirt?
If anyone needs me I'll be in the bathtub, eating fast food and shooting straight vodka while I seriously evaluate my life choices and cry.
Anne is dead. totally passed out and was flat out in the street
So many questions so I’ll prioritize. How did I survive last night?
He was laying on a lawn chair, fell off onto his stomach and asked, "where'd the stars go?" That high.
Randomize
