Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
I finally had sex with him last night, but we used a condom so it doesn't add to my number of sexual partners.
The beer is more important than you right now.
other than her wanting kids and me wanting to do drugs,were perfect for each other
He told me I was a pleasure to arrest. That's the 2nd time I've heard that.
Hey, this is Travis. I just so intelligently deduced that I am in a college dorm somewhere in western oregon. Probably WOU, based on the process of elimination.
When God was sprinkling self control to everybody, he ran out and was like ehhhh she'll make it!
Great. I will show up in your office wearing only oven mitts later today.
"Yeah because the first thing I think of when I hear the word college is tear gas."
Would you accept a fantastic blowjob as payment?
The batteries in my vibrator died before I could finish. Which is a lot like my sex life lately......
Now all I have unanswered questions and a fucked up finger
If hypothetically I needed to puke on the bus... how would I go about doing this.
He’s going to a lawnmower race. I got a Brazilian and he’s racing a lawnmower race. Pick me up. I’m not wasting this waxing on John Deer
He thought it would be sexy if he found my clothes and dressed me, and it was..until he found a thong under his bed and assumed it was mine. It wasn't
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