i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
You said that we had to leave the party together and proceeded to repeat the "ducks fly together" speech from The Mighty Ducks word for word. Soon the whole party was quite and started chanting quack..quack...quack..
people who like being in relationships make me feel bad about myself.
You stood next to him taking HUGE gasps of air in an attempt to second hand smoke his cig because you didn't have one...
Some guy stole lobsters by hiding them in his pants. We should strive to be like him.
I have my ice chest next to my bed. Instead of breakfast in bed, its beers in bed. 10x better
I just had a flash of me drinking straight vodka out of a condom...
Sometimes I love sober logical me. She makes rare appearances but when she does she shines.
I can't even properly respond cuz I'm ballsdeep in falafel
Have you seen our bachelor? He's MIA. Last seen being led to some hookers by Kanye look-a-like.
I feel like I should throw some tampons around my workspace so everyone will know what's really going on
You ask too many questions when I'm blowing you. You're like a dentist asking how my day has been during a cleaning.
Just got a blow job from a woman on a ski slope. She said ski'ing frightens her and giving head calms her down. Glad I could help ma'am!
isnt it crazy how for years we were living our owns lives, and now only a wall seperates us?
stop. eating. my. shrooms.
admittedly, geting that drunk in front of my last two exes wasnt a good idea
probably didn't help that you cheated on them with each other either
Randomize
