I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
So I got hit on by a gay guy. It might have something to do with the fact that I licked his nose.
And why did you do that?
Tequila
There could not be a more unattractive person. She just told me her period was so bad that she got sick. I think my penis retracted and killed himself
47 days without vaginal penetration. Im pretty sure it's grown over.
Do you realize that if your cunt was a missing person it would be assumed dead?
...She then said get into the spirit and started making firecracker noises while having sex
Writing apology letters and leaving them on peoples doors for your actions is NOT what I want to be doing at 6am.
He rode my dog to the bathroom and wouldn't stop laughing once he got in. It was scary.
will you please stage a drunk girl intervention and tell him that his chain is severely harming his chances of getting laid tonight?
I bet his dick wears a tuxedo.
Sorry about coming to the pool in only a thong. I thought you said it was closed. Not that you were teaching a group of kids how to swim.
Last thing I remember is ranting about hating pants. Woke up this morning pants less. Couldn't find them, decided to leave. Driving without pants is surprisingly liberating.
I'm watching Russian dudes pole-dance. For research.
Girls - I think I have a problem with stealing random shit when I'm drunk.
I was told i took a shot doing a headstand in the backseat then proceeded to barf all over my face
I had no idea you were so talented.
WHAT THE FUCK DREAM ME
I'M GONNA PUNCH THAT BITCH THE FUCK DID SHE THINK SHE WAS DOIN
Randomize
