You were wearing a sombrero. And a crown. And told me to use the nerf gun to protect your room from the cat. You don't have a cat.
I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
Just saw out breathalyzer tubes from last night on the side of the road. Glad the cop let us know that they are biodegradable
She was telling me which girls she thought I should fuck or not at the bar. Why can't all one night stands be that cool after?
She sat on the stairs and yelled sex positions at us. I don't remember if we went along with it but judging by the beer and condoms I'm thinking yes.
He said "I can't wait for you to feel me inside of you so I can tell you gently that you're mine" and left me a 4 minute voice mail of him crying after I told him I didn't want to be with him. 30 year olds are off limits.
Megan brought her friend up last night, greeted her by drunkedly taking a piss all over her duffle bag of clothing
On a scale of zero to "unmitigated disaster," how drunk is he?
yo knit me an eyepatch. but also make it usable as a thong
I think vodka/water/skittles totally beats your crystal light mimosas
He noticed my new Lipstick so later tonight it's going to be on his dick.
Not sure if I should ask if I can have my underwear back or just avoid that all together.
I think I just found my soul mate...he's wearing a zebra striped onesie and is into Michael Jackson...I'll explain in the morning.
Like he was cock blocking and it usually takes ten cocks to block this cock
He said I have the “Denzel Washington” of vaginas.
Randomize
