I'm waiting for seagulls to eat this throw up
My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
we were going to warn you, but we veto-ed that idea somewhere between "this is the stupidest thing we've ever done" and "let's order a pizza"
Dude you can't just initiate a threesome via twitter
Watching that soccer game was like getting kicked in the crotch for an hour and half and then coming right at the end.
I'm literally partying with O.J. Simpson's son right now. I don't know what to make of this.
I refuse to have another spring break doomed by pregnancy.
Just had such a rough shit, don't stop believin had to be played
After Thursday my breakup "don't screw anybody out of respect" month will be over and I will be set loose. My pussy is purring with anticipation.
Omg. I felt like a crazed animal last night. My lesbian instincts burned a hole in my panties.
I tried snowmobiling at 2 am. I broke my glasses. You're right. Things do get out of control.
I told him he was like my favorite pair of jeans; I may not wear them every day, but I'll never get rid of them and they make my ass look fantastic. Needless to say he was not thrilled.
My dad told me to bring weed to easter Sunday dinner..
at the hospital. Kevin drank straight from the river
Just walked into the supermarket puking into a plastic bag while wearing my favorite Bob Ross shirt. I am a human disaster.
Randomize
