Every time my boyfriend threatens to commit suicide I change my relationship status as "widowed".
at russian wedding, no open bar. bottles of vodka at table. getting to work tomorrow may be an issue.
We were driving to the party as he was giving me key bumps.. That's what I call team work
Just so we're on the same page, we cannot have been the first people to have ever thought about shooting that guy with crossbow
Walking in to my alcoholic Assessment meeting with a black eye = 40% awkward 60% awesome
I don't understand how 5 bottles of booze became normal or acceptable per 2.5 people
All you kept saying was, " Barack fucking Obama. FUCK Michelle" and then you motorboated me.
After sex he cried I didn't know what to do so I patted him on the back and went to the kitchen to make waffles
I can give you five reasons its your baby
and I can give you 10 reasons it's not, but I'm busy so I'll just go with you have the wrong number. And also I'm a straight girl.
I started a USA chant at the bar last night for no reason, other than being plastered. Within 15 seconds, I was standing on a table and the whole bar was chanting but nobody knew why.
Dudes don't just lick butts of chicks they're not into.
Let me be the vehicle for you to live out your slutty half-gay dreams.
On today's episode of "What the Shit Did I Do Last Night," drunk me deleted ALL of the text messages I've ever had. Awesome.
I just watched a squirrel take down a snake,life isn't so bad after all.
I got the security footage. Thank you boobies!
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