i just woke up to 15 people singing a whole new world
he didn't want to fuck because he was too busy skateboarding. what are we 12? I'm too old for this shit.
She's "scared" of blowjobs, so she just played with it for a while.
I shouldn't have had sex with her. I feel that I may have opened a pandora's vagina
Watching Fresh Prince at 9am with a beer in hand and he just said to Uncle Phil "Sometimes I worry that I'll never get my life together." I feel like that was a sign from above or something
But on the up side she uprooted a whole peony plant from the hotel downtown and said, "I brought you flowers"
In times of desperation, never...NEVER put green apple scented hand sanitizer on your vagina.
I suggest absurd amounts of masturbation this weekend to build up the necessary calluses
I Pavlov-trained him by smacking him in the nuts anytime I caught him looking at another girl in public. To this day, he's afraid to break eye contact with me in a restaurant if a tall busty blonde walks in.
i need to stop establishing animals as safe words. Giraffe and Penguin are really awkward words to say during sex
I asked him to make me two boxes of macaroni and cheese. That's like eight servings. How did I think that was an okay amount.
I cant go through life without knowing what ginger pubes actually look like
just yelled CURVEBALL at my nightie because it turned out to be a pair of shorts
I just don't think it's that outlandish to ask that I don't get messages from my husband at 8:30pm on a Wednesday telling me he peed on our cat
couldn't remember his name. introduced him as 'mr multiple orgasms'
Randomize
