The guy I fucked in the port a poty just called me and asked me on a date!
Awkward!
No he was cute and I said yes!
The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
Drinking wine. Reading twilight. On a Friday night. Biggest loser contest. First Place.
So we went to home depot to buy supplies to build a beer bong but ended up buying an office water cooler that were going to put vodka in
You weren't just peeing. You were like grinding on it. And you tried to pee in the washing machine first.
Actually I think I might be dying right now so if I do you have to drink all my vodka
You're so demanding.
This was just another one of those days you wished you had a penis-size indicator instead of wasting your time isn't it?
I'm just sayin. If your gonna cheat go for someone TOTALLY different. Fucking her twin would be a waste.
all i want in life is a shot and a cock is that too much to ask
I just gargled with NyQuil
Literally breaking up to my boyfriend while jamming out to Feraglicious
I think people are normalizing furries
mid-sex she goes "oh my god. you aren't even going to remember my name in the morning, are you?". And i was so wasted that i straight up told her "honestly, I don't even remember your name right now"
Am I the only person in the world that does not give a shit about the avengers?
Randomize
