I can't watch pbs sober anymore
My family just suggested tequila shots. I had Vietnam style flashbacks.
i dont care about people's attitudes as long as they give me head
Besides asking our teacher if he enjoyed being fisted did I have any other tragic moments last night?
I just saw a fat chick ask the bartender to top her corona off with grenandine cuz she has a "sweet tooth" no that's diabetes fatty
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
Its summer. Time to get to the freshmen before the weight does.
i'm about to be the still-drunkest person on the ellipticals
Getting stoned and sitting front row in a legal class.. Not my best idea
View of Vancouver Bay is obscured though the greasy hand prints from fucking against the window. Tip maid well.
But seriously, I love you and you are a good person and I'll get you some ecstasy
My mom added me on Snapchat which means I am officially done with Snapchat.
I just woke up to my family in the living room watching our security camera tape of me last night talking to a stop sign in our backyard... How the fuck did I get that in the yard?
I was so high I kept trying to flush the toilet with the light switch
Divorce can be hard, but look on the bright side. Your soon to be ex raved about your dick and I’m great with hard things ;-)
Randomize
