apparently went to arby's at 2:30am banging on the windows for someone to make me a "beefy"
I saw your purple underwear in the road this morning.
using my metrocard to split lines. it says optimism on the back. i am optimistic that you will appear at my door and help me finish all these drugs.
I consider it a successful poop when you only have to wipe once.
After waking up today, I would like to find the Jesus preachers on campus to ask for help in asking for forgiveness to God.
I feel like vodka or no vodka, you'd still be trying to button your cat into your comforter
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
He showed up 3 hours late wearing roller skates and acted like nothing was wrong with that.
Exactly. So he deserves crazy "thanks for keeping me out of jail" sex. Or an "I'm glad your excessive cocaine habit had some positive outcomes" blowjob.
I want to preface this by saying nothing happened, nothing is on fire. It is mere speculation. Do we have a fire extinguisher?
Spider-Man is making out with Wonder Woman while Captain Kirk feels up Princess Lea. Nice to see nerd barriers broken down at Comic Con.
ill dress up as a sperm donor and you can go as the cup....
I knew you were cut off when you tried to order a "Phil Collins"
They pay me enough to pretend to be either helpful, or heterosexual. If they want both I need one hell of a raise.
I'm 80% sure I have pink eye. This is my penance for being a homewrecker.
Randomize