You should really figure out how to get me a picture that will pop up on my phone when you call
Just upload a picture of Bea Arthur. That's what my soul looks like these days
I just spent an hour correcting all the grammar and spelling of all the 2pac songs on my ipod
Omg. One night stands are not supposed to show up to your swim class the morning after. Worst lesson ever.
Life is too short to have fake orgasms.
My gut is currently telling me that Jesus did not intend for us to eat shrimp pad thai on Easter
Is this a considering it or regretting it text?
I just shit out what feels like an entire shrimp with claws and all. You tell me.
Jerry got outside again, i found him making dirt angels in the garden. I need to put a bell on that bastard.
I am going to tweet NASA until they put me into space
Those rocketship riding assholes need the common man
Still trying to figure out where I was when someone broke the lawn chair and put it in the bathroom.
There is a car windscreen wiper in my handbag... Not my car's, not ok.
I started a USA chant at the bar last night for no reason, other than being plastered. Within 15 seconds, I was standing on a table and the whole bar was chanting but nobody knew why.
I'm getting a car wash man. I am go get a car wash high.
The bottle brush for the bong worked really well to clean the brownies out of the waffle maker.
CUTE BOY IN THE OFFICE WALKED BY AS I WAS STARING IN HORROR AT HARRY POTTER THEMED SKELETON PORN
I seriously thought Satan had his hand up my asshole and was pulling out my soul. Never. Again.
You've got the chocolate, drugs and my pants. You hold all the cards...
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