WHY DIDN'T ANYON E TELL ME SHE WAS SIXTEEN
I started dry heaving in the middle of sex and she says "You moan funny."
At the time, making out with dudes for keg money seemed like a genius idea. Now I realize it was borderline prostitution.
plan d- we get drunk, go see that Justin Bieber movie and freak out 13 year old girls.
On a scale of one to everyone dying I say let's aim for a 7
I got laid and laid off at a conference in long beach all on the same day
Eh. They balance each other out
I feel a whole lot better than i did this morning at 3 when one of my roommates discovered me slightly aware of my surroundings and naked in the bath tub with the shower on
maby next time we don't finish the whole box wine just because it tastes like shit
Can we be in one of those super weird relationships where you carry me around everywhere?
So they just told me that while I was being loaded into the ambulance the cop told them if they were good friends they'd post it on Facebook...
The subtweets were good enough
I SWEAR TO ALL THAT IS HOLY I HAVE NEVER WIPED MY GENITALIA ON ANY TYPE OF EMERGENCY RESPONSE VEHICLE!!
He may be 6' 6" but I'm 180 lbs of pure rage and determination
Found an elderly homeless guy with a Gandalf beard passed out on my porch. I put a Santa hat over his erect dick cause he was naked.
I feel like you're encouraging me to commit a felony.
I feel like you're wasting time.
I ate at the cafeteria for the first time yesterday and today I think I had an hour long fart.
I came twice AND he sent me home with edibles. I think he’s a keeper.
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