About me waking up with a tatto of a hamster with a top hat ?
hey.....beach week happens
I had a terrible day! The only thing that makes me feel better is knowing Jack Bauers day was worse.
Bad news. Pictures just stimulated my memory and i just realized the stripper I hooked up with this weekend tasted like pizza.
I love you, but you should know I'll always ditch you for weed.
I have six drafts of messages to you that just say "blood" and I have no idea where they came from.
No but the chipped one is crooked now. Clearly I didn't use my hands to break my fall. I used my face
Some guy dressed like Santa just handed me a bottle of tequila. I NEVER WANT TO LEAVE CANCUN
By the way seagulls wings are very soft. And the lesbian and or by sexual twins say hello. Be home in the little bit time frame.
If the Cards come back I will fly to St Louis and shit in a very public place.
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
I can never have sex in Utah again. The altitude had me breathing like a fat kid going up stairs.
There is a high pitched squealing noise coming from somewhere in my house. I hope it's a gas leak cause I'm over this week man.
Beer. Pizza. Seething Rage. I will be full of two of these things tonight. You get to decide which two.
Why is the toilet broken? Why did I wake up naked in the shower, hugging a bath mat? WHY IS THE TOILET BROKEN?
Is it just clogged or something?
No! There are actual chunks of toilet on the floor.
On the brightside we know now that empty pringle cans are accepted at mcdonalds as cups.... Screw people who judged us, we saved a buck
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