Had a 3 sum last night, and today food just taste better and the air seems so much fresher!
the problem with open bar is i never know what to get
did you really just start a sentence with "the problem with open bar is..."
How long can I microwave pasta with a 20 percent alcohol content?
Then she yelled something like "YOU HAVE SO MANY FORKS!" before collapsing on the floor
I petted my head, told my hair it felt beautiful and needed to be let free. Then pulled out my pony tail. Cheers to weed. I lose.
The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
One my way home. There was too much fog, strobe lights, and cocaine for my taste.
In light of your oncoming completion of twenty-three years of personhood, I feel a pressing need to blast country-pop phenomenon Taylor Swift's hit single "22" in your general direction until midnight.
It's 3 am and I'm buying cat food and batteries for my vibrator. Good thing I shaved my legs for this.
Well then she has to know whoever you were kissing was in overalls because that's not a detail you just leave out.
He invited to drink but spelled forties wrong so no thx
Please tell your friend to stop shitting in my closet.
Omg i got really stoned and used a makeup app on my grandma...well, I’m definitely not adopted
I'm at the gym. I've taken enough caffeine to feel inspired to be a low budget instagram fitness model. I totally forgot my push up bra though
He did a backflip because drugs
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