He said he had a gf but the monogamy was "only implied".
That's because you're a slut. A slut fucking a fence.
you just kept bragging about how there was a "pretty large" chance that you had pooped on the same toilet as George Clooney
I am solely responsible for the birth of their child. I mean, I did push them into the room and hold the door shut yelling "punch that kitty!". It has to be a sign.
she was puking red wine out the car window, telling me about how shes joining weight watchers tomorrow, not okay.
We can add pilot to the list of people who's lives I've changed...with my penis.
He's going to let me keep his bowl in my car. Does that make us Facebook official?
I'm petting the cat while shitting. This is all I ever wanted
I just realized that at some point last night I told someone I would only be friends with 16% of them because the other 84% stole my people's land
When I die, I want you to spread my ashes at a Cracker Barrel.
That moment half way through a run when you realize you have to take a giant shit. I was racing against my bowels that last mile. Now my sweat is suctioning my ass to this toilet seat. Enjoy that NSA.
Ya apperently its not "appropriate" to fuck in the school auditorium
The only people who really get me are strippers and mascots for sports teams.
Is that strawberry winking at me??
His birthday is on cinco de mayo and he doesn’t drink or like tacos. What a waste.
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